oh dear

this trip seems to be confirming a suspicion that i had, but had never really wanted to fully admit to myself, which is that i am socially awkward or a really bad conversationalist.

i had expressed my fears to a few people before this trip began, that i wouldn't get along with the people on the trip. i was assured by some good friends that i would do fine, that i was a very social creature and could get along with everyone, and so forth...

but now that i am really here and this is really happening, i am finding that it is difficult for me to get along with most people. i know that i shouldn't be letting this small segment of 11 people in the world mandate my view of myself, but i had been noticing the same type of social strain in some of my older friendships... so, i'm not really sure what this means: i feel like i'm not really flexible with the type of relationships that i seek from people and the way that i want to communicate and what i want to communicate about. so, what is that called? high maintenance? snobby? stubborn?

i feel like i should be making more of an effort to get along with these people and i know that this trip would be so much more enjoyable if i were to get along with these people better, but i just can't muster up the interest in that type of long term investment. especially when it means wading through so much, err...how do i put this delicately...chattiness...i think the term is idle talk?

right now...hmm...if i were another girl, would i want to be friends with me? i think if i were another girl on this trip, i would say no. i am too harsh, too active, and too cheap for these ones.

don't worry. not giving up yet, but at the same time, not forcing any obligations onto myself.